Google Engineer Matt Cutts Exposes 5 Insider Secrets!! (satire)

Source: YouTube

Here’s the skinny on the latest Google Secrets leak

You want your site to rank really well for a particular phrase? Matt Cutts leaks 5 amazing tips to help you make it happen! I can’t believe these have gone public!

1. Use your targeted term on the page!!

Tactical Breakdown:
Step A) Decide which word or phrase you want to rank for
Step B) Put this word or phrase on your site
Step C) Laugh your way to the top of the SERPs

Simply unbelievable!! He finally let the cat out of the bag. As a professional search engine marketer I felt betrayed that this long kept secret, guarded for decades by clandestine agents of the SEO syndicate, had finally been exposed to the general public.

[ Editors note: It's unclear, but it appears that this may only work if you live in San Diego, De Moines or in the greater Portland area and also have a medical practice, design buildings or work in advertising -  respectively. ]

2. Filling in the “Tags”!!

Tactical Breakdown:
Step A) Decide which word or phrase you want to rank for
Step B) Put this word or phrase in your sites “Tags” (title & description)
Step C) Laugh your way to the top of the SERPs

Incredible!! In a move akin to equipping this angry youth with tactical nuclear explosives, Cutts is giving away one of the most dangerous secrets in the optimization industry! Pretty soon ANYONE will be able to rank!!

[ Editors note: It appears that the generous use of "Quotes" is implied here as well. Perhaps an unintentionally exposed secret of search engine optimization that made it's way into the article undetected!? ]

3. Get inbound links!!

Tactical Breakdown:
Step A) Have mom & grandma each put a link to your site on their MFA blogs
Step B) That’s it… there is no Step B - it really is that simple!!
Step C) Laugh your way to the top of the SERPs

Who does this Matt Cutts guy think he is!? Can he do this? Is he authorized to disclose this level of information to the public? Armed with this knowledge, ANYBODY can dominate SERPs. With-in days the top results will no doubt be teeming with new pages imbued with otherworldly power as they begin to obtain links from friends and family!!

[ Editors note: There is the possibility of an unfair advantage in the case of webmasters with large families or site owners who have actual friends. Only children and losers around the world were outraged to find themselves at a disadvantage yet again. Led by members of the ACLU, a class action suit against Google for "negligent disenfranchisement" is already under way. Google's lawyers had no statement at the time of publication... not that we asked. ]

4. Create a Blog, then Post on it!!

Tactical Breakdown:
Step A) Create a blog
Step B)  Post on it
Step C) Laugh your way to the top of the SERPs

Just when you thought he couldn’t divulge any more devastating trade secrets, he busts out with this nugget of optimization gold. To be honest I was a bit angry when I realized that he was freely distributing information that has taken me a lifetime of disturbing favors to accumulate. I feel… violated.

[ Editors note: Okay okay, none of the favors were really that disturbing, but I do feel a bit let down. This tip was a dud - As it turns out blogs are a waste of time. No one reads this drivel anyways. Except you... you must be the guy who keeps leaving me the "Viva Viagra" comment spam!! Dude... what's up with that? ]

5. Google Webmaster Tools!!

Tactical Breakdown:
Step A) Sign up for free tools
Step B)  Click on “Rank me really high”
Step C) Laugh your way to the top of the SERPs

Armed with this knowledge, ANYBODY can dominate SERPs. With-in days the top results will no doubt be teeming with new pages imbued with otherworldly power as they begin to click the “Rank me really high” link in their Google Webmaster Tools interface!

[ Editors note: What? No "Rank me really high" option on your Google Webmaster Tools dashboard? That's because you haven't unlocked the bonus pack yet.The unlock code is up, up, down, down, left, right, left ,right ,b ,a , b, a, start..er no wait, that's for Ask.com - for the Google cheat code you'll need to comment below (include "Send me the Google Secret Code" in your comment) ]

Insider Secrets Disclaimer

Okay so this is OBVIOUSLY meant to be satire, and got maybe just a tiny bit sardonic. None of it’s true, don’t take a word of it seriously - except for the angry baby part - under no circumstances should an angry baby be given weapons of mass destruction. That’s just silly.

USA Today’s Jefferson Graham interviewed Matt Cutts for a TalkingTech article “Google’s Cutts: Good directions drive traffic to your website” posted July 23rd - but if you’ve seen the video (or read the related article, then you were probably thinking the same thing I was - “There simply isn’t anything noteworthy mentioned in this.”

It’s little more than a fluff piece for the marginally interested general public. There’s nothing here that shouldn’t have been completely obvious to even the most casually involved webmaster for at least a few years now. Oh well, I guess we’ll have to wait for Mr. Cutts’s next media spotlight for some really juicy secrets - until then I hope you enjoyed the post.

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